


How to Books - The Rick Grimes Edition

by lilvixen25



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Gen, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, crack!fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-15
Updated: 2015-11-15
Packaged: 2018-04-26 12:03:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 1,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5004118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilvixen25/pseuds/lilvixen25
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'How to' books inspired by Rick Grimes, sometime written for him, sometimes written about him, sometimes Rick writes himself one. Sometimes I just ramble and this is the result. And then expand of said rambling.<br/>Mostly crack!fic and drabbles. Canon, non-canon, divergant and other variations.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ArcticLucie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcticLucie/gifts).



> Happy birthday chick! For my sister from another mister...
> 
> This is what happens when you skype with one of your best friends and talk random crap most of the time.  
> Skype + Drivel + Rambling (mostly on my part) = Awesomeness

**How to Find Your Family in the Zombie Apocalypse: The Walking Dead Style**

_**to Rick Grimes** _

 

Apparently you're the luckiest sonofabitch to be able to find their family. Seriously, just sheer luck you managed to find them. Right anyway....

 

Wake up from coma and realise the world, but quite possibly only your town has gone to shit. Stumble on home in your hospital garb. Steal a bicycle. Or borrow, whatever you need to tell yourself.

_Note: Make sure your white ass is not hanging out while in hospital garb. That could be blinding. I mean you have been in hospital with minimal sunlight for the last month._

 

When you get there you're going to realise no one is there. Have a little cry (its ok to cry at this point because your family is gone...like gone gone, like packed their shit and left you behind gone. Sorry buddy.).

 

Now go sit on a curb and wait till a kid hits you with a shovel (trust me its important, one more injury ain't gonna kill you, so suck it up and take it like a man).

 

Wake up cuffed to a bed (kinky) and finally get an explanation of what's going on.

 

Get some superb advice from a kid about where to go (because kids know it all).

 

Gets some guns, get a horse and go to Atlanta.

 

Woah...bad idea...why'd you go to Atlanta???...oh that's right you listened to a kid....Anyway make sure you find out where all the walkers in Atlanta are congregating and head there. (I'll draw a map, don't worry).

 

Now that you're up shit creek, why not trap yourself in tank. Don't worry Glenn will save you, so sit tight until help arrives.

 

Once Glenn saves your butt, meet some new people, have some arguments, teach a lady how the safety works, make new friends, leave a guy behind and get outta the walker filled city.

 

When you rock up to this new camp with these nice people who saved your butt, just hang back for a minute so you can make a dramatic entrance. When they call on you just act all humble and tired...

 

Oh look there's Shane (he's totally banging your wife by the way, sorry to break the news)...OMG its your family! Ta-da! (This is also another acceptable time to cry.)

 

 

 

The short version is: Get lucky (that's the horse's name by the way...because luck is all just hodge-podge). Get in a tank and wait for Glenn.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**How to Bang Your Wife**

_**by Rick Grimes** _

 

Get really drunk and the proceed to fall asleep before deed.

(see Episode 6, Season 1)

Return from the dead.


	3. Chapter 3

**How to Deal With Men Who Wear Eye-patches**

_**for Rick Grimes** _

 

 

Are they a pirate? Yes? Well just be prepared to horde all your gold and find a sword if possible.

 

Are they Nick Fury formerly of S.H.I.E.L.D.? Yes? Well stay on his good side and well-done on the fandom crossover.

 

Have they just had laser-eye surgery? Yes? Be kind and help them out.

 

Are they Mad-eye Moody? Yes? Well if can properly look him in the eye without laughing or making a comment, well-done you probably did better than most. And look, you stumbled into another fandom again.

 

If they aren't a pirate or any of the above and you suspect his name is Phillip or The Governor, seriously just kill 'em before it all gets messy and people start losing their heads. Granted he's a little crazy since his daughter is one of them but I'm pretty sure he lost the plot well before then. So easier to kill the snake before he before he ruins your perfectly good fence with a tank. Yes I know you have a Daryl but seriously take care of it before he goes tank crazy on your lawn.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short one.

**How to Find Carl: A Helpful Guide**

_**for Rick Grimes** _

 

  * Don't ask Lori, she has no clue where he is.

  * Look for Rick. If Rick is there, more than likely Carl is lurking near.

  * I dunno, tie a bell on him.




 

_Note: Guide not really all that helpful. My bad._


	5. Chapter 5

**How to Barter**

_**by Rick Grimes** _

 

Trade some weapons for Glenn. (C'mon its fair he did save your stupid ass when you trapped yourself inside a tank surrounded by walkers.)

Ignore Daryl's snorting at this exchange.

Have your nervous sniper T-dog on the roof.


	6. Chapter 6

**How to Steal Another Man's Wife**

_**by Rick Grimes** _

 

Option 1: Ask Shane

 

_or_

 

Option 2: If by this stage you have killed Shane. Get a haircut from her. Watch her creepily from across the street. Get on the bad side of the husband. When you're clearly losing the plot, kill the husband.

Next day send her cookies that Carol made.

 

_or_

 

Option 3: Ditch the wife and screw the husband instead. Unless he's a porchdick then stick with the wife.

 

_or_

 

Option 4: Daryl. Need I say more. Even though Daryl's not a wife, its still pretty applicable.


	7. Chapter 7

**How to Make Friends**

_**according to Rick Grimes** _

 

  * Cuff them to rooftops

  * Teach them how the safety works

  * Point your gun at them

  * Get them in a headlock

  * Shoot them

  * Lock them outside, possibly where a bunch of walkers are...

  * Give them your sandwich

  * Don't name the farm animals. They're food not friends.

  * Guess what they used to do before the end of the world (I think this would be a universal question)

  * Ask for farming tips

  * Ask for tips on how to wrangle walkers

  * Share your ketchup

  * Offer comforting and soothing words because they're a horse

  * Offer them your guns

  * Ask for a haircut

  * Punch them in the face

  * Bite their throat out

  * Tell them it's ok for them to steal, even if it is the apocalypse but you just can't stop being a cop, can ya? You're itching to cuff them, right?

  * Cast them out of the group

  * Ask them about their Jedi skills

  * Take their weapons

  * Go for a drink at the local bar




 

 

_Note: if they're your best friend, keep them away from your wife._


	8. Chapter 8

**How to be a Kid According to Rick Grimes**

_**by Rick Grimes** _

 

  * Do chores

  * Read comics, maybe some books too.

  * Hang out with Patrick

  * Go to story time




 

_See Season 4, Episode 1_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love to hear what you think.  
> Any suggestions for future books let me know :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These next few are pretty short but they're fun to write.

**How to Avoid Lumpy Pancakes**

_**by Rick Grimes** _

 

Never let Lori near the kitchen apparently. Sentimental or not, no one should have to suffer through that kind of torture. Think of the pancakes. _The pancakes........_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!


	10. Chapter 10

**How to be a Farmer**

_**for Rick Grimes** _

 

Wake up at the ass crack of dawn. Leave your son to sleep in, because you're the cool dad. Get a walk-man, so you can best drown out the sounds of walkers. _Handy tip: try country music to get yourself in that farmer-mode._ Get some gloves. You'll need a hoe for hoeing. Decide what you want to grow, and _if_ you can get seeds for it you might be able to grow it. _Handy tip 2: Consult your resident growing guru Hershel about what conditions each plant needs to grow._

Don't name the pigs. For love of god, Don't. Name. The. Damn. Pigs.   
_Her name's Violet by the way._

 

If in doubt raid the prison kitchen for supplies, if you haven't eaten them all.

 

_Note: Buried guns are like buried treasure_

 

_**Alternate:**_ Hershel's advice on how to become a farmer:

Get a fat ass, get some overalls and some wheat to hang out of your mouth. Poof! You're a farmer!

 


	11. Chapter 11

** How to Cut Off a Limb   
_by Rick Grimes_ **

 

With a REALLY sharp axe. The more cuts you have to do, the more likely it is you're going to puke, just saying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look a belated Halloween Edition!  
> Its short and sweet. But most kinda snarky, because that's how I'm feeling lol  
> Enjoy!

** How to Play Dress Up: The Halloween Edition   
_by Rick Grimes_ **

  
**You will need:**

  * Two dead walkers

  * Two pristine white lab coats

  * Gloves

  * An axe

  * A gun (for decoration or protection depending on whether or not you're actually in an apocalypse)

  * String

  * A puke bag for Glenn




  
  


Get two dead walkers. Double tap just in case (you can never be too careful). Get an axe, proceed to gut walkers. _Note: When crowd around you starts making horrified or disgusted noises you're on the right track. Hack away buddy, hack away!_   
Use anything squishy to decorate the coat your wearing. Use the intestines as drapery around your neck and shoulders. Throw up.

 _Note: Do not get any of this on your skin or in your eyes, it does wash out but it does come with deadly side effects. Ok I lied,results are deadly._   
Make jokes about dead puppies. Throw up again. Hands makes fantastic accessories too, use the string to tie two together, drape accordingly around your neck. Just don't over accessorise. Now you're kitted out in your newly fabricated “I'm really a walker” costume.

 

_Beware: Do not wear during a rainstorm, it tends to make your costume “run”_


	13. Chapter 13

** How to Become a Politician  _ or _ Start Your Own “Ricktatorship”   
_by Rick Grimes_ **

 

Demand people's attention. Command it. Show them you're a leader worth following.

Speak up when other's question your authority. “ _Respect my authoritah”._

Make sure people don't leave. _Lock the doors if you have to. Or just admit you murdered your “best friend” earlier that day. Ya know which ever works best for you._

Give a rousing speech. _Note: Points if you don't need cue cards and show emotion, it conveys passion. Or bullshit. You're a politician either is likely._

Give alternate options. Especially showing them where the _door_ is, when its clearly a gap in the crumbled down brick walls.

Ask for postcards.

When your speech is over stand there all dramatic and silent.

 

**Congratulations! You're a Politician!**

 


	14. Chapter 14

**How to Blend in at a Party  
** _**for Rick Grimes** _

 

Take the baby with you, she's a great distraction for the other guests to fawn over.

Shower and shave off the beard you've been sporting for months. Hobo-chic is not _in_ at Alexandria. Think of Alexandria as a country club, they don't just let any old riff-raff in.

Bring your teen-aged son, because that makes you look like a stable family man.

Always have a drink in your hand. Drink it scornfully as the local hairdresser enters with her _porch-dick_ of a husband.

Make polite conversation. Even with porch-dick. Even when he takes your glass to go refill it. _Beware: It may be roofied._ Pretend not to scoff when the hairdresser tries to tell you “she's been through it, they've all been through something”, she really has no idea what she's talking about.

Bribe kids with cookies. _That's not creepy at all._

Get an ironic **'A'** stamp.

Kiss someone else's wife. On the cheek. _Real subtle Rick._

Make polite conversation, even though right outside the walls the world has actually ended and these people think a fucking party is _normal. Seriously what the actual fuck?_

 

_Note: Remember being at the party is just rouse anyway so your group can have steal back some weapons. So play your part of suburban cop/menacing former hobo-chic mountain man._

 

 

_**or** _

 

If you're not Rick just say screw it and have spaghetti Wednesdays at the awesome gay couple's place instead. Slurp your spaghetti because who the hell needs table manners, its the apocalypse after all.

 

_Note: Rick, you should have gone with option two. Seriously._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any suggestions for future "books" let me know and I'll try to do my version of them.  
> Love to hear what you think!

**Author's Note:**

> For [ArchLucie](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ArchLucie/pseuds/ArchLucie)  
> 


End file.
